Whats the glycemic index on semen?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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