Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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