He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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