"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
