I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
