If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
