Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
