Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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