Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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