I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
