i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
