I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
