Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
