I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
