best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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