im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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