Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
