we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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