remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
