dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
