I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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