david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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