I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
