just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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