: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
