Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
