He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
