So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
