ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
