remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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