My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
