That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
