Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize