so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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