Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
