I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize