took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
