i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
