2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
