If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
