Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
