you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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