Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
