Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
