she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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