My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
