omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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