btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
