I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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