my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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