I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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