the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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