Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just had sex on a roof
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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