fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
