You just made me feel so damn special
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
