I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I want to be your penis for a week.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
