How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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